The Oxford Dictionary defines “single” as: Exhibit A. only one; not one of several. And exhibit B. unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

In my forties, life is invariably more settled. I spend most of my time reading, writing, doing art, going out with friends, exercising, eating healthy, and planning trips. By focusing on myself, I’ve selfishly (and I mean this without any negative connotation) indulged in my time alone. Core level unlocked: how to be happy + on my own.

I do this after every breakup. Breaks are good. Time to yourself is healthy. It’s important to learn how to be alone. To be self-sufficient. To entertain yourself. To travel solo. How many people actually have the opportunity to become independent in all senses? This is a luxury that some miss. On the same token, it is also good to ask others for help when needed. After all, life isn’t meant to be a solo trip completely. 

Being accountable for one’s own happiness is an art and a science. It is continually perfected over time. Nobody is responsible for another person’s happiness. That is a heavy burden to carry. Everybody is the driver of their own car, and is the ruler of their own kingdom. This isn’t like one of those driverless cars that you see in San Francisco. Riding passenger side is not an option. Jesus is not taking the wheel. It’s up to each and everyone of us to work on ourselves. It is self-development. Staying stuck in the past rarely helps anyone move toward any of their goals, right?

After dating, I like to stay single for a while. Taking a break isn’t a bad idea.  Others prefer to step into a new relationship right away. For me, serial monogamy feels like a death sentence. I remember a friend once saying, “There are no rules. You don’t have to be with anybody. You can do whatever you want!” Logically, most of us know that—but do we really know that?

Over the years, people have asked, “So, have you met anyone new yet?” Or a friendly suggestion of, “Maybe I can set you up with someone?” I’ve also heard, “You actually like being single?” The idea of blind dates makes me cringe in most cases—the forced conversation, the awkwardness, both I try to avoid. Yes, I do like being single. No, I haven’t met anyone new or interesting enough. Sure, I might be open to a setup, but always friends first. Life is awkward enough without a weird forced conversation over a meal. 

Society doesn’t often understand why someone would want to be single. In the U.S., the idea of a woman choosing to not marry, nor have children, is still seen as taboo. For many, having children and getting married is a natural sequence of events. But many also enjoy being single and/or childless. Life, after all, is a “choose your own adventure.” That’s the beauty of it. Feminists might add that it’s our right as women also to choose whichever path we please. Rights we have worked hard for in this day and age, and continually will fight for. 

What really irks me though is when those in troubled relationships become paranoid, assuming that because one is single, that you’re a threat to their partnership. It’s as if nobody is safe—hide your children, hide your husbands, hide your wives! A good old fashioned witch hunt! Instead of focusing on the single person who’s thriving, maybe they should look in the mirror and ask themselves what is making them think such thoughts. Is it because their partner has a wandering eye? Maybe past trauma? Codependency? Self-confidence issues? Who knows. But whatever it is, don’t project your emotional shrapnel onto the single person walking along happily in their own life, minding their own business. As I once told someone in frustration, “It’s not up to those who are single to be paired with someone in a subpar relationship just to make others comfortable.”

Being single is a choice. Not having children, and doing with my body what I please, is also a choice. If I wanted to be the next cat-person—cutting my upper lip into two, implanting whiskers, tattooing my whole entire body to look cat-like, and eating only sashimi day in and day out—I could. You know why? Because I’m an American woman, and I can do whatever I please. It’s my right. Ironically, that might actually make some people more comfortable than simply being a single and a happily contented woman.

But here’s the thing: what people do with their lives is their choice. And respecting others’ choices without harsh judgment is just as important. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. If you don’t like what someone else is doing nor understand it, that’s fine—you don’t have to. But are their actions harming you directly? If not, proceed in minding your own business. You can agree to disagree. Perhaps a lost art these days. Most importantly, everyone has the choice in how to react to others. Leave the happily thriving and contented single females out of it though. Please! For the sake of humanity.

As above, so below.