In my book club this month, we were asked to choose a book from a list that was adapted to a film. He’s Just Not that into You seemed fitting with Valentines Day approaching. It was written by the writers of Sex and the City, and later turned into a movie with Ben Affleck, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, and Kris Kristofferson to name a few.

The writers, and cast of characters sounded promising. As many times as there were cringe worthy moments, though I am glad I held on. The comment about women being too stupid to read military time though, that hit a chord. Being a nurse, and an avid traveler… of course I know military time. It was a clever hook that kept me reading though.

Here are my hot takes from this book later adapted to film, as a single woman.

I started to think, does love really make us stupid? Or perhaps maybe the desire to love? Are we just all hopeless romantics that wish something will work out so much that it leaves us blinded by our own delusions of it actually not being something viable? While this book is marketed to women, I have to say that men are not immune to leaving the reality of the situation on mute while remaining hopeful that something will progress too. It’s just that women are actually the ones who will pick this book up whereas most men wouldn’t.

An important side note: Many men do not pursue women anymore.

This book is dated in the aspect that men actually approach women anymore. We have entered the dating website era. The me too era. A light has been shined on toxic masculinity. It is up to the woman to approach first. Even though a lot of us women are still getting used to this concept of us being the initiators in dating. Now, it is up to us whether we like it or not. What women must remember, is to keep the male’s response in mind. These might help you in your efforts in being the initiator and navigating the singles scene.

Don’t make them cry: We vs. them.

There is a comment that men would rather chew their own arms off than make a woman cry. I believe this as fact. Spot checking with some guy friends, it is confirmed. Men hate making a woman cry. However, I think that women can be more bold when it comes to ending things than men. It is usually the women that are first to call it quits. Nobody likes conflict nor making someone sad. But men especially hate this.

The red flag: martinis and mixers.

If someone has to be drunk to be around you, then are they really that into you? Or, if the person is so dull that it takes alcohol to make them more interesting to you, it’s probably a sign. Either there are addiction issues, or they just aren’t that into you. A little libation makes the medicine go down so to speak. If talking to someone is like swallowing cough syrup, then cough (walk away) cough. Take it as a red flag and move on.

The dilly-dally-er!

If a guy was into you, he would go for you… and not dilly dally.

This concept seems a little dated in this book, and the movie that came out in the early 2000’s.

But I repeat, if he isn’t responding. Don’t beat a dead horse. Like a person, trying to be resuscitated with CPR. If they are dead, and they stay dead, leave them dead. Throw flowers on the grave. Too much waxing and waning. Move on.

On a side note – if you force the relationship and stay with the dilly-dally-er. Chances are they will continue to be indecisive in their actions. There is nothing more unattractive than being stuck in status quo of them not knowing 100% what they want: You know what’s hot? Someone knowing exactly what they want. Nobody wants a dilly-dally-er.

Side note, is he secretive?

This reminded me of a topic not in a book, but in real life. If they are being really secretive about their life, it’s probably for a reason. Not all guys are transparent with having a girlfriend on their social media. I am not saying that he has to post his undying love for you everyday in the socials. But, I am saying you shouldn’t have to fish for the information for too long. You and your girlfriend shouldn’t have to be private investigators to figure out what’s up. If he is being really secretive about his life, chances are he is taken. Just because he drooled over you while seeing you out, doesn’t mean he isn’t taken. Not everyone can control themselves. Don’t waste your time. Move on.

Marriage, it’s what brings us together… and sometimes drives us apart.

Is marriage necessary? It isn’t a one size fits all certainly. Do you have to be married to be with someone? Absolutely not. Do you want to just be married to be married? Then go for it! As long as you are both on the same page on what your futures look like. This idea can also change with time though too… so you have to be open to that or seeing about going your separate ways. And in the end, if it ends then do you want to pay the price of divorce?

Classy vs. crazy.

Don’t flip your wig. I repeat, do not flip your wig if things go bad. Learn to walk away. Move on. There are bigger and better things out there for you. If you see them later on down the road, you have two options. The old I didn’t see you there. Or say hi, smile, but still move on.

If he is married…

If it’s a secret that he is with you, then it’s not shaking out. If he isn’t divorced yet… then please, don’t waste your time. You are not there to be his counselor in aiding him through his divorce. Unless of course you really want to be a counselor… like you think it’s sexy or something. Don’t wait around though, it isn’t worth it. It will be painfully grueling and full of false promises.

If he is still married and its kink, partner swaps, and/or polyamory, then the key here is there is communication. It’s not a secret. Crystal clear. Not muddy. There is a difference.

Emotionally unavailable is not available!

He hates your family and friends? If he really liked you, then he wouldn’t he be showing his best side and making an effort?

Being alone

Don’t lower your expectations for the sake of just not wanting to be alone. Being lonely does suck. But being with someone who makes you feel like shit, is worse. Operating from a place of fear is the worst place you can operate from. Set the standard for excellence.

In end

Ladies, may the dating and relationship gods be kind and in your favor. Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Keri

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